What I've Done
by TiliaofAnkh
Summary: Set after 4x9 (AU). Arthur sees what he has done ...
1. Chapter 1 - Regrets

**I have watched the season 4 episode 9 disaster again and was awashed with tears. So I thought I'd do a little fic about the whole thing ... but it's AU and turns out good again, promise!  
**

**Enjoy!**

* * *

Arthur stared down at his hands.

It was all wrong. It was not supposed to be like this.

His hands were meant to be holding Guinevere, protecting her. His hands were meant to wear a wedding ring by now.

But instead there was no ring. No Guinevere he could hold, no-one he could protect.

His head dropped down into his hands.

_What have I done?_

He had banished her. Sent her away. To never, ever see her face again.

He remembered it. Her eyes, so begging, the tears streaming down her face, her hands rised. Her whole body shaking.

'_I cannot live without you!'_

Her voice seemed to haunt him, echoing from every corner of his lonely chambers. Torturing him. But he deserved it. He had abandoned his love, driven by his own rage, his broken heart. But he was wrong. His heart hadn't been broken - _now_ it laid in pieces.

Arthur felt tears prickling in his eyes. He didn't bother wiping them away. She was worth every tear, every single teardrop he cried for her.

_This can't be true. It must be a dream. Guinevere would never betray me. She __**couldn't.**__ I know it. She told me I mean everything to her._

_It __**has**__ to be a dream. When I weak up, I find us in the middle of the wedding preparations. I must be dreaming. __**Please**__._

* * *

**Two months later  
**

'Arthur?', Merlin said gently. Arthur didn't react.

'You've got to eat something.'

'I'm not hungry, Merlin.', he replied, pushing his plate away.

Merlin looked at his king, who was also his friend. One of his closest. The other one was away. _Somewhere only god knows ..._

Arthur's face looked tired, his once sparkling blue eyes had lost it's life, underlined with thick rings. He seemed to be only the shell of a man. Lost in his grief.

'Very well, sire.'

Merlin gave up.

'_Where will I go?'_

_He turned around. Tears were streaming down her face._

'No ... no ...'

_Flashing pictures._

'_Guinevere. Will you do me the honour of becoming my wife?'_

'_Yes! Yes, with all my heart!'_

'No ... please ...'

_The twinkle of sparkling brown eyes._

'_You snore.'_

_Her honest face._

'_I trust you, Arthur. More than Uther, more than any man.'_

Arthur tossed around, mumbling. Memories. Her face. Her voice. Her laughter.

'Please ... I love you.'

'GUINEVERE!', he screamed, leaping up. Panting. Sweating. Regretting.

He buried his head in his hands as hot tears burned in his eyes. He hated crying. It was a sign of weakness, always had been. _Just because I am. Weak. Jealous. Stupid. Unfair._

_She waited for me, all these years. Looked over my several mistakes; forgave me when I kissed Vivian, forgave me even when I told her I'd wish to never see her again. She looked over every single flaw I have, every stupid thing I have done to her. And I banish her from the city just because __**one**__ mistake. Because she had done __**one thing**__ wrong._

'_You love him, you've always loved him?'_

'_No ...'_

'_All those times you said you wanted to be with me ...'_

'_No!'_

If she did not love Lancelot, never loved him, why did she kiss him? You mean everything to me ... these were her words.

He saw her, on her knees, crying. Begging for him to listen to her.

'Where will I go?'

'I am sorry. I am truly, truly sorry.', he just said, turning one last time to her.

_**I love you.**_


	2. Chapter 2 - Realize

**Aaah, I'm so sorry guys! I promised I'd update soon, but as it turned out, I wouldn't ... it's all school's fault! :( So, I am very sorry for the long delay - here is chapter 2! Will Arthur finally realize what he has done and not just sit there like the idiot he is?  
**

* * *

As the King of Camelot woke up, shadows were creeping around in his room, laughing at him. Arthur sighed and rubbed his brow. The same nightmare. Every night. Every damn night, he saw the sam pictures and woke up, panting.

Guinevere, her eyes filling with tears, saying Yes when he asked her to marry him. Guinevere and Lancelot kissing passionately. Guinevere begging under tears to let her stay.

Suddenly Arthur opened his eyes.

_Stop. I can't take this any longer._

He rose from his bed, his hands clutched to fists.

_I have waited far too long. Why did I let her go - that is one question. But why wasn't I going after her right away? That is what I sould have been asking me, instead of wallowing here in pity, doing **nothing!**_

He put on his shirt, grabbed his coat and his sword, put on his boots and left his chambers.

* * *

Merlin watched Arthur leaving. And the young warlock smiled.

_Finally._

* * *

_How could I let this happen? How could I even lose her? Why didn't I try to bring her back, if my heart is aching for her with every inch!_

**I'm a coward.**

Where could she be? She could have returned to her old home ... or ... maybe ...

As Guinevere had said: „Where should I go?"

**I'm so stupid.**

_When my father was king, he banished her. I did everything to convince him not to. And now I did it myself. I'm as ignorant, cold and cruel like him._

Congratulations, he thought bitterly.

* * *

**Aaand I'm sorry it so short ... Next one will be longer, I promise!**

Tell me what you think, please! (Inner voice: **REVIEWS! REVIEWS! REVIEWS!**) Shut. Up. Inner. Voice.

Love you all!

xxx

TiliaofAnkh


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